On the Other Side

Sometimes there’s a weight on my chest that prevents me from deeply breathing in the life I’m living. It sits there, reminding me of all the tasks I have yet to complete, the people I need to contact, and the expectations I need to meet to be worthy. It tightens its grip around my heart until it’s all I can do to make it through the day without crying or wondering why I’m fighting so hard to continue going. Some people have a devil and an angel sitting on their shoulders. Still, there are days when it feels like I only have the devil reminding me of all my past mistakes and everything that can go wrong in the future. 

I feel like I’ve lost part of myself. Like there was something inside of me that writing brought to life, and these months of depression have stolen it from me. I used to find so much joy and release in writing, and now all I can focus on is how little I’ve written in the past weeks and that I must be disappointing so many people. Maybe I’m also disappointing God by not using the gift he gave me. But how can I be expected to write from a place of sincerity when it feels like my soul’s being crushed in a vice grip? Is there room in this world to be broken and simply take time to heal privately instead of broadcasting it in hopes that we’ll get more views and followers? 

I don’t want to share my pain from the very middle of what I’m going through. It’s too raw, its edges so sharp that I cut my hands on them. I’m not healed from this yet, I don’t know if I ever will be, and I feel so broken because of that. I feel like a burden to those around me because they’re used to seeing smiling, joyful Katherina, but lately I feel like I’m putting on a show when I’m that girl. What would they say if I really let everyone know what was going on? Would they write me off as a lost cause? Would they try to fix me? Would they tell me that it’s all in my head? Would any of them step into the darkness and help me find a little bit of light to see by? I know they would, but letting people into the pain scares me. 

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I wrote those words a year ago – raw and unedited – when I was in some of the darkest days I’ve ever experienced. I held so much hurt and anguish in my heart, but I was terrified to share the load with anyone else. I felt like I had created this beautiful version of Katherina that was always put together, always had the right thing to say, and was always the shoulder to lean on. But she was really a façade hiding the woman that was struggling within. I carried that pain and depression until I broke, and only then did I begin to let people help me. I would not be where I am today without the love and support of those who saw through the cracks in my mask and refused to leave me.

“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”

Galations 6:2 ESV

I praise the Lord daily that I’m no longer in that place. Are there still days when it’s tough to get out of bed? Absolutely, and there probably always will be. And that’s okay. But if there’s one thing I wish I could tell myself back then, it would be to let people in. We were never created to carry the burdens of life alone. God has graciously and lovingly given us a community of people to help carry us through life. Letting people into our pain is scary, but it’s worth it. Welcoming others into our hurt is like a soothing balm for our broken hearts. We heal in the arms of others. 

If this is where you are right now, you’re not alone. I know it hurts, and you don’t want others to think you’re weak. I’m praying you’ll gather your courage and reach out to just one person to let them know what’s happening. You never have to go through life alone, ever. The Lord has placed people in your life to walk alongside you; you’re not a burden to them. You don’t have to do it all at once. Take it one step at a time. And one day, I hope you find yourself on the other side, and you can thank the people who helped you through; then you can help them just the same.