An Open Letter to My Anxiety

Dear Anxiety,

For years you have been lurking in the shadows of my mind, biding your time until you saw the perfect opportunity to insert yourself into my life. You came dressed in vibrant colours and draped in glittering jewels with a voice that acted as a soothing balm to my parched heart. You whispered your way into my mind, dripping promises of control and confidence like poisoned nectar from your lips. You wrapped your arms around my weary shoulders with the affection of an old friend, disguising the chains you were binding me with as silk dressings for my wounds. I bought the lies that you were the one that I could always depend upon. I craved the power that you promised and the consistency you gifted me.

While I was blinded by your jewels and drunk on your whispers, you sank your claws into the softest parts of my soul. You disguised fear, worry, and unease as the purest golden honey which you dripped down my throat. Their barbs were digging into the pit of my stomach, twisting and tearing it up each time I felt stability begin to slip through my clenched fists.

You came into my life promising to be my dearest friend, the one person who would never leave me and who would strive to make my life better. In my naiveté, I believed you, for your costume was so brilliant, your face painted with the sweetest concern, and your assurances laced with the longings of my heart. How was I supposed to know that from the very first moment I welcomed you into my life, you would begin to twist my day into night?

Eventually, you shed your façade and your deception was evident. I no longer saw you as a confidante, but my eyes were opened to what you truly are: a sadistic shadow seeking not to liberate me but to enslave me to fear and hopelessness. No longer were you walking beside me, dressing my wounds, and consoling my hurting heart; in reality, you were heaping chains of despair around my body and hissing lies of disappointment and failure into the raw parts of my soul. I tried to break free, but you reeled me back in with promises of control and safety in a world that so often felt like it was shaking apart. I see now that that was just another clever lie, another chain you could use to keep me immobilized in fear when I was called to be free. You have been holding my mind captive for far too long. You have held my heart in a vice grip, slowly tightening with each breath until each exhale feels like a knife blade and each inhale is shallower than the last. I have let you run rampant in my life for longer than I ever should have, but I’m done with you now!

I know that there will be days where I seek your embrace because I yearn to have a sense of control, but I refuse to let you hold me any longer. The road to freedom is hard, but it’s not one that I have to walk alone. I had turned to you for help and support when I should have been turning to the Lord. I had sought out acceptance and control in places and with people that could never give it. Anxiety, you are not a dictator of my situation you and an indicator that I have been away from my Father’s presence for far too long. Instead of succumbing to the tightening grip of panic and fear that Anxiety offers, I choose to acknowledge my feelings before the throne of God and lay them down at His feet, for He is Lord over all, including Anxiety.

So Anxiety, there is the door. Take your things; you are no longer welcome here. And if you try to return remember, as I am reminding myself every day, that I am a chosen daughter to the King, beloved and dearly loved. You have no place in my heart or my mind. There is room for only one Lord in my life, and it isn’t you!

Xoxo,

Katherina

 

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